Money in Marriage

Posted by: Henry B. | Jan 20,2008


It always comes as a big surprise when people hear that money is the greatest thing that makes marriages go sour.  Most would think that it’s infidelity.  But think about it: infidelity might be the worst thing for a marriage, but it is not something that affects every marriage.  Every marriage, on the other hand, has to deal with money.  Even fabulously wealthy people have to deal with money.  If you’ve ever thought that money buys happiness, just realize that having a lot of money has its own share of problems.  

So every last couple is in some way affected by money issues.  All these marriages won’t end in divorce, but money is an issue that they’ll all have to tackle.  Often in difficult marriages, things become lopsided.  Perhaps one person makes more money than the other person.  Perhaps one person spends more than the other.  Maybe they spend equally, but one person feels their purchases are justifiable while the others are not.  

There are any number of reasons for friction involving money.  As is always said, marriage is about compromise.  You’re going to have a very hard time changing a person’s daily habits or personality, so laying down a hard line about finances is likely going to lead to defensiveness and arguing.  Finances have to be a two way street.  So instead of saying, “You can’t do this anymore,” say, “We both need to change our spending habits.”  No one likes to be told that they’re a problem.  

However, there are those times when a person is being wholly irresponsible.  This is another issue, which I’ll address later.  For most marriages, the friction results from small problems: a husband spends $100 on fishing equipment that could’ve been used for debt.  We’re not talking about a huge expenditure, but something that could still put a dent in future plans.  If the spouse is naturally defensive, you’ve got to find a way to ease the blow of a criticism.  Some amount of self-deprecation, and even self-criticism, might be necessary – such as admitting that you spend more than you should as well and this is something you can both work on together.  

Talking about finances should never be a war: one versus another.  It should be a mutual agreement.  That’s the only way to make sure things change and the healthiest route for a marriage.  

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